My way, or the highway.

I have always believed that when you dance to your own rhythm,Life taps its toes to your beat. And that there are two types of people - the leaders and the followers. Maybe its a genetically coded thing. Or maybe its a result of conditioning, upbringing and situations. Whatever it is- the two kinds are completely intolerant of the other.

Then, there are those that have transitioned from one to the other kind. like I have.And that defies and delivers a well-aimed bonk on the head of the above two theories.

I do not remember when, how, why it happened to me. I distinctly remember what a docile, sweet, quiet lamb I used to be. The model child- so my parents and relatives often espoused. A sweet melodious soft voice (NO need to snigger, people!) and a calm, shy dimpled face. Under-confident, very very shy..someone who couldn't (and didn't) ever say BOO to a goose! 

I remember my dad pulling my leg and mimicking my calling out to a rickshaw, when I went to medical college. As in, as soft, shy "Rick-shaaaaaa...", which more often than not went unheard. I remember dashing in to my parents drawing room and wishing the assorted aunties and uncles there (as was the approved tradition for well-behaved kids back then in army households) and dashing out with cheeks burning with embarrassment ! (Yes- we ARE still talking about me here!)

Then I met, fell in love and got married to a social drone- the life and soul of boisterous parties. Maybe we both learn from the other. Maybe it was a mutation brought about by "extenuating circumstances"- on account of moving out from the Air Force way of life and into a Joint Family! Maybe it was survival. 

Today, and a large part of yesterday- has seen complete role reversal in my home. Hubby is the loner and the strong, silent kind, and I have transcended the social butterfly kingdom! Live life on my terms, follow my own dreams, do my own thing, run my life and that of other willing and unwilling subjects in my kingdom MY way:-)) - aided and abetted by my fond family of course!
My motto : Its my way or the highway:-))

Facebook has a word for it- "In an open relationship"..which often confuses people. They understand the term in the short-sighted, tunnel-visioned way that patriarchal society teaches them- meaning- "having an affair"!! For me- it means complete freedom for each member of my family to choose their directions, follow their dreams and target their horizons. With the vital corollary: So long as its ok with the others:-))

And I have found it the most successful and satisfying way to live! So- my advice to all of the followers out there - Play your own tune, dance to your own rhythm, choose your own piece of sky and fly with your own wings! And Life will tap its toes to your beat too:-)

Strangers in the night..

 Ever thought?
The person walking in front of you on the rain-drenched sidewalk?
Covered with an umbrella, and all that can be seen is a dark raincoat and shoes splashing puddles.
Man, woman, child? Anybody anyplace?
And yet this person is the hero of his/her life story.
The love of someone's life. The villain of another's.
And what he/she can do can change the world.
For someone. Someday. Somehow.
Ever thought?
Of being in that dark coat and mud-splashed shoes?
Think the next time-
And then continue on your own way.
There is no difference between that stranger and the people you pride in calling friends. Relatives. 

At the bottom of all withering relationships lies indifference. That it the one irrefutable truth. When passion fades- be it for people, visions, dreams, rainbows, silver linings, thoughts, ambitions or work- there is a vacuum, an empty space, drained of all life, that we call indifference. 
So many people I see everyday, that are indifferent. Exist in little holes dug by themselves, for themselves. Immediate possessions, immediate families, immediate earnings. The rest of the world fades away into oblivion for them. Throwing rubbish outside their walls, so to say. 
Such people will find those very walls very empty some day. Because giving and taking walk hand-in-hand. That is the rule of the universe.

I always wonder how they survive. For me- the vibrancy of living is Passion. People. Dreams. Ideas.  No walls exist for me between friends and family. All for one and one for all. That is my truth. And that of all of the people in whose hearts I live. 

Am enriched and fulfilled. And however much I hurt when indifference is extended to me, I will always remain myself. A helping hand, a ready shoulder, for one and all. 

I will walk in those rain-drenched shoes. The stranger in the night is me. Born- to live. And change someone's world somewhere. 

To the Son-Rise of my world- Happy Son's Day:-)

To, The Son-rise of my world,

I just realized today, that the powers that be (Archies cards?) havent invented a day for sons!! That has to be rectified! So..I hereby decree today – the 4th Sunday of Sept as Daughters and Sons day! And how is it possible that a doting mom doesnt write some ...ahh..diplomatically chosen words of love for her “iklaota rajkumar”???

And so- here is something for you-the apple of my eye.

To begin- a suitable quote.
Happy is the son whose faith in his mother remains unchallenged.

So-have faith in my plans for you, and trust always in my judgment. For I am an authority of many things- pig sties included! ("This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now." )
Sigh!

You, my son- came into my life actually resented . The future of the most precious being in our lives was threatened if we were going to bear a member of the male fraternity. “Beta hi hoga” were the words constantly floating about my periphery all those long 9 months. And I have to admit- I resented them. For your dad and me..and nana and nani too..your sister was I think the most wonderful miracle that had fallen into our lives. And NOTHING could compare with that. Not even another daughter, we thought. Definitely NOT a son! We dreaded the thought of Aanchal being pushed into the background of our lives, so to say. So I used to pray hard for a second girl-child only. My childish way of “showing” the adversaries.

And then you were born. It was, all-in-all a chaotic day. And then at the hospital, nani stubbed her toe on a wheelchair and had to be given anti-tetanus shots. The pain searing through my body yet kept me lucid enough to wish hard (with fingers crossed) for a daughter. The doctor I remember, asked me what I wanted..and I replied “Beti”. And there you were! She said “Beti hui hai”. And I remember vividly, the tension easing out of my body:-) And my silent HA! - went unheard.

An hour or so later, after being wheeled through a haze of beaming faces..they put you into my extended arms. A screwed up, puckered dark scowling face, on a scrawny body. Disbelief! That is the one word that sums up all that was going through my mind.

 Beta hua tha.

We went home..and days and weeks sped by in the spin of two children, 4 and a half years apart in age..it was work, work, work all the way. Juggling work with home, I can truly say, I did not enjoy your childhood as much as you deserved. Frequent scoldings, random slaps resounding inside (and outside) the walls of our home....each time I perceived something that threatened my sunny daughter's happiness. It was unfair. Very unfair.
I remember distinctly one day, when my mother said to me - “ye bhi tera hi bachcha hai, beta.”

That day, that comment, changed everything for me. Suddenly my world turned right side up. And the tiny lost face with big eyes full of confusion (and bigger teeth!) began to look like the cutest, loveliest little boy in the whole wide world. I fell in love with you that day, Saahil. But it was way too late. I do not know if your were born with your dyslexia or had it thrust upon you (by me) .  I cannot forgive myself for those first few years of our lives together. My only excuse is that I knew not what I was doing...

I think Aanchal made up to you for all of our follies. She fell in love with her teeny-bopper brother from day one. Looked after you, cared for you, shared with you- and was always your best pal in your growing years. I still remember how your eyes would search for her at some friend's birthday party, and how automatically her hand and yours got entwined:-) Yes- I did notice all of that.

As you grew into a smart little boy- hopeless in studies and brilliant in mechanical gadgets and all things scientific and innovative. You invented new things (a water powered torch, assorted electrical gadgets to make your broken toys run, your sister's doll house lit up with your wiring and attaching cells to tiny bulbs...) new words (“goi” for the tar smelter used for making roads, frigilator for the stabilizer atop the fridge) I remember how you told a neighbour that your dad used to fly combat planes and “left it” hence you were Flight Left-enant Tyagi”!!! Life was full of your colourful report cards adorned all in red, PTMs and calls to the Principal's office, homework and learning..and utter despair! In the both of us:-)  I think the only time you ever won a prize at school was for Story-Telling!!!! A rightly deserved prize for sure:-))))

Then came the turning point in our lives. I remember papa and me sitting in Row 3 from the screen watching :Taarey Zameen Par”..and seeing your life, your trauma..being played out on the screen. (Incidentally, The little boy in the film had an uncanny resemblance to you. As did the little boy in “Home Alone”) Rajiv and I held hands and wept in that dark hall that day. Wept for what we, as educated people of science, had allowed you to go through. (The very refrains of the song “Tujhe sab hai pata hai na Ma” still reduces me to tears)

Even being equipped with our new knowledge, your hopeless struggle with formalized education had me completely fazed out, with reading out your lessons to you through the night, while your little head dropped with sleep, and doing your homework for you..which continued right to making your projects in Hotel management College too!

I remember your hiding your test papers, making tall imaginative tales, bad grades, confusion, panic—and the small nervous tics that probably kept you from going insane. (Sounds worse than it was actually:-))
And the inevitable slaps:-)) You would bring me my knitting when I sat down to teach you—which I later realized was a smart means of not keeping my hands free to deliver some well-aimed bonks on your head:-))

 I can go on and on. Where do I stop? At the blackmailing tactics papa and I used to resort to –for the other attending your PTMs? For the chemistry lab you set fire to? Sigh! I have to cut this short!

So- in short..Bit by bit, you entered my bloodstream and into my soul. I dont remember when what happened. I only know that you became an inseparable part of me..and air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, the essence of my soul. And I rose and fell with your ups and downs and my heart filled with pride at your achievements.  I watched you turn into a upright young man- - - -my little lost boy.

Today, I smile when I see the new confidence in your step, the power in your voice, the self-assurance and dignity with which you conduct yourself. I am so proud of you, my son. I tried hard after the first few years , to “make it up” to you. I don't know if I succeeded partly or in whole- all I know is you far overtook everyone else inside the core of my being.

Thank you for being part of my body and soul. Thank you for the adventurous life I have led. (Shudderrr!!)

I love you-------And like I said to your sisters- my love for you is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. So here you have your very own personal bodyguard too:-)

So Beware!

Mom.

Happy Daughter's day to the two offshoots of my life:-)

Tomorrow is Daughter's Day. .

This is for you both – Aanchal and Shalu- with gratitude for teaching me what a heart full of love means..with humility for all of the caring & belonging you both give me..and with all the colour you both have put inside my world.

Aanchal- I still remember every moment of all those years ago in Pune. Months of miraculously fascinating changes happening inside my body and soul..weeks of backaches and leg cramps which magically made me walk ecstatically around with an inexplicable spring in my step..days and nights spent dreaming, wondering, imagining- what it would feel like to hold the tiny speck of life I felt moving, growing, smiling within me. And then hours of pain that ripped my body apart, yet held steadfast my soul, moulding it into a cocoon of warmth and love all set to nurture the new bonds that were all set to be forged. You know, I actually “knew” you even before you entered this world. Knew what you liked to eat, how long you could sleep, what kind of music disturbed you, and what soothed you. I forged that bond with you long before you were born.

And then came that wintry day in December. Your dad's hand held tight in mine, his helpless expression, eyes glazed with pain so much more intense that that which tore my body apart..until that high-pitched first cry that fell upon our ears.... I held you- my warm bundle of joy, my daughter. Watched you blow bubbles with a beatific expression on your dumpling face (which, incidentally, naani noticed)..and was told that you had a congenital cleft palate that would need an operation within a year. You would gleefully gurgle through the milk that would come out through your nose (because of the defect), kick your podgy legs dementedly on a sheet of newspaper, happy for hours doing that:-) follow me with your eyes while I walked around the house, be walked to sleep through long hours of the night, only to wake up merrily the moment we laid you on your cot. Nights of long motorbike rides just to make you fall asleep.

Your first word, first feat of rolling over, bumping your head and getting concussion (incidentally, on the day we had a train to catch on transfer to Suratgarh), first step, first day of school, first fancy dress competition..so many firsts that filled my life and made it complete.

I watched you grow, evolve and transform from a fat little maggot into my princess. You outgrew my lap, but never my heart.

Shalu- you walked into our lives as a precious gift fate gave us. You and I did not share that gossamer thin umbilical cord bond, yet developed something strangely stronger and finer as we both grew together. You taught me the true meaning of “motherhood”- and all it can encompass and hold. You entered my world, my home- and soon my heart. Today, as I watch you straddle the world so confidently and walk with your head held high- something blooms within my soul and spills over my life, filling it with fulfillment. I feel so proud when I see my two lame fledglings (Saahil & you) soar high in the sunny skies of their dreams and ambitions and teach ME so many things that were hitherto out of my realm. 

Chance made you both my daughters; love made you my friends.

Bless you both for the complete understanding, acceptance and unconditional love you give me. Also (in spite of my errant ways) the wholehearted pride you have in me..

Love you both so very very much:-) And a mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. So here you have your very own personal bodyguard:-)

*As your brother, trembling with fear,  would vouch for*

Happy Daughter's Day to two of my bestest friends:-))

*I don't think there is such a thing as a Son's Day, so I will create one for you soon Saahil Tyagi:-) 

- Await next post*

Mom.