Ye hai Zindagi

The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn.
I have to keep telling myself that. Again and again and again. Also- Life comes round a full circle. And as you sow, so shall you reap. What life gives you is what you have put into it. 


My day for quotations. And introspection. Its strange really. Half a century and more of my life- thinking, feeling, believing that I am the cat's whiskers. The pivotal figure in everybody's lives. And then suddenly, life takes a U-turn. And WHAM! Realization dawns! No I am not really!


I sometimes wonder what made me so confident about my omnipresence and omnipotency? My happy childhood? My comfortable and secure marriage? The wonderfully supporting and unconditionally loving family I have? My children? The ease with which people always liked me? My ability to make friends? Or all of the above?


Now- when I look at the world around me- I see that everybody has taken their own U-turns, chosen their own meandering paths, followed their own means to the end of their rainbows. And all of these paths have moved away from me! And I am left hanging on to my pedestal.


I see before me, two paths. One-which leads downhill. The other-to a distant bend on the road ahead. I know its time for me to choose the latter. And take that turn. I will not let the road end. 


 More quotations? - No point crying over spilt milk. One should always look before leaping. 


Jaan hai to jahaan hai:-)))


And most importantly- Live Life Kingsize!


Here's to always finding a loving hand when I fall. Or when I reach out.

The Kodak Moments

The years have sped by. I always knew they would, and hence had this habit of closing my eyes for a few seconds and consciously holding all poignant moments inside my memory-cells. And I am so glad I did that.
Today, as the world has moved to different dimensions, and all my running after it and trying to keep up with the race has exhausted me.. it is those precious memories that keep me from going bonkers!

Cut to the 1960's. Papa lying under a pear tree, snoozing in the warm sunshine on a cold winter's day, in the huge orchard my naana-naani had in Dehradun. Me- a little girl in a polka-dotted frock, prancing around chasing butterflies, happy in the warmth of her father's love, and the comfortable clinking of pots and pans in the far distance of the house, where my mom was cooking up a picnic feast for the two of us.

The 1970's. Here I am, in a shikara on the Dal lake in Srinagar- the moonlight reflecting the mountains in the calm waters, the fragrance of the flowers wafting songs inside my heart, as I manage to hoodwink my strict dad and have along with us, a young handsome officer (you- err..*identity witheld*) out for a moonlit boating jaunt..I close my eyes to still the excited hammering of my heart..and the moment is frozen yet again!

Here I am again- same time, same place- trudging up the mighty Zabarwan mountain, with the best friend I ever had (you, Sumedha Sahni) , and her brothers..my first attempt at being an intrepid mountaineer. The scent from the wild roses, my feet hooked into a rocky cranny to stop sliding off..the shared fag and unending conversation..yes- I can almost relive the moment even now!

21 December 1982. Screaming my guts out, torn apart with the searing, ripping, seething pain, almost breaking Rajiv's hand, holding on so hard, and the unexplainable feeling of hearing the thin cry of my first-born rent the air.. the tears flowing from her just-born father's eyes..lying on my side in a hospital bed and reaching for the toffees he had put under my pillow with so much love and consideration. The taste and sweetness lingers..and will stay with me forever.

Your first movie, Aanchal. 15 days old? Mom and I, and a huge baby-basket--the movie hall near Lohegaon, Pune..where your papa dropped us. Disco dancer! Sigh! Your fascination for Bappi da has its roots in this day:-)

A day in 1983. A little cherubic baby-girl, our first-born (You, Aanchal) left with the maid at our makeshift Air Force home in Pune, out to book out baggage with the railways all set for our first posting to Suratgarh in Rajasthan. Sitting on the pillion of our Yezdi bike all the way home for the last time in the town that gave me so  much- holding on tight to my friend, partner and husband (you, Rajiv), feeling the familiar breeze blowing through my hair for the last time (The truck to take away the bike was waiting at home)- I closed my eyes to hold the moment and freeze it in eternity- and here it is again! Whenever I close my eyes and reach for it.

Diwali Mela at Defence Colony. 1991? - Feeling the tiny warm hand in mine (your's, Saahil)- comfort asked, comfort given- with the inquisitive little face attempting to look over the knees of the crowds, flickering lights of excitement dancing in his eyes- the gambling stall- what was it? "Seven, Over-Seven or Under-Seven" played with two dice. Your first exposure to your mother's gambling soul- I can see the confusion in your eyes- as I taught you to place your whole wealth (Rs 10) on one of the slots.. and lose it at the casting of the dice in one fell swoop:-) I smile each time the memory flashes before my closed eyes:-) its a wonder how you held on to your trust in me!

The mandap where I suddenly saw my little girl become a bride, a wife, a woman.

The soft click of the lock on the grill door, as I took off for the midnight jaunt with my madcap son to the Nauchandi mela..To buy CHOORAN! Cos he felt like having some:-)

The songs playing on the car deck,. the wind in my eyes, the smoke spiralling in tune to my tapping feet, as Brat and I shared a fag driving through the dark nights... sharing dreams, sharing souls.

There are so many Kodak Moments stored inside my head. I shut out the painful and hurting ones. And let the happy ones stay afloat.

Today- as my eyes are dimming faster than my vision, my hair greying faster than my soul, my body aging faster than my mind- and Life flowing in directions I had never imagined- I reach for all the Kodak Moments I hold within me, hold on to all that is ME, and lapse into my own Wonderland. And am happy again:-)

Thank you for all my precious memories Vinnie Dev (mom), Rajiv Tyagi (husband and friend), Aanchal and Saahil.

Thank you Shalu- for enriching our world. Thank you all my friends- who will always live within me.

Love you all.

Life. And We-The People.

I haven't blogged in months. Strangely, what was once an outlet for churned up emotions, thoughts, aspirations, desires and dreams..now seems an empty canvas. Nothing seems to work me up into a fireball lately. And hence all words remain locked up inside the neurons in my head. 


Maybe its the doing-too-much-at-one-time syndrome. Maybe the aftermath of the syndrome. Whatever it is, I do not like it! If I am me, then why do I become a stranger just like that? 


Don't you all feel this way at times? Wondering why the pace of life ebbs and flows with total randomness and total disregard for your wants? Even the spirit of Christmas, which has always managed to provide that boot-in-the-rear momentum to life..seems to have packed its bags and retired:-( 


So what do you think life is? A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while? Then I hereby order all of you cells to reformulate your patterns and become ME, for Chrissakes!

Reaching out-

Dear Blog,

I haven't written to you since a long, long time, and I know you must be feeling just as lonely as I am. It was easier somehow to share my soul with you when you were a Diary..this new cyber avatar is a trifle difficult to reach when I stretch my arms.
So many things I need to share with you. Sadness, excitement, hopes, dreams, desires, confusion, $@#&#, irritations, aspirations.. where are you when I need you most??? When the world goes out of focus, when the birds stop chirping, when the rainbows fade? Why do I find it easier to turn to my damp pillow at times like these? Wake up, Blog! Get your act together! You and I are a team, right? So BE there for me when I need you most. Open your eyes when you see me reaching out for you. Or I may just destroy you.

Yours-for-now,

The Creator

Happy Birthday to Me:-)

Its my birthday again! Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months..seem to be blessed by the wings of time! Life speeds by so fast that it makes me dizzy sometimes! And no..its not spondylitis! I look back over the enchanting years-and the power-point presentation of memories of my childhood and youth flash in front of my eyes.  The warmth of the sunshine of mom and papa's love, the holidays on hill-stations year after year, the many new schools in diverse towns, as papa was posted from town to town in the course of his long distinguished career as an officer (and gentleman) of the Indian Armed Forces, the unconditional love and 'I-will-always-have-faith-in-you-no-matter-what' that I learnt from my mom (you, Vinnie Dev)...and incorporated in your lives, my precious children.. all seems to be there all around me in my every Today somehow. I can hear papa's voice calling out to me to look at a rainbow in the sky, a caterpillar in the throes of emerging as a butterfly, a colourful bird, a firefly in the dark nights..I seem to look up and see him looking up at the bright sun to sneeze..that was one of the quaintest of his traits! The others were his complete love for his first precious grandchild (you, Aanchal), and calling 'nadi' -'dariya and 'ped'- 'drakht'!!
The world lost my dad on 22nd December 1987, but none of us ever did. He lives in our hearts every moment, with his sunny smile and warm arms..which kept my childhood so secure. You, Saahil, he held just a couple of times in his arms when you were born, and then again when you were a couple of months old. That is one of my few regrets and complaints to life..that you did not know him.

Mom-- what do I say to describe you??? My lovely, loving, completely crazy, incredibly vibrant mother:-) Love you with all my heart, Ma. All I am today, all I have..is all thanks to you.

The kaleidoscope of my memories surround me with their ever-changing patters..always colourful, always enchanting. You, Rajiv- my friend, confidante, partner in every sense of the word, best pal, husband- you came into my life, have transformed me into a realm all my own, where I made friends with myself and with the whole world. You showed me again what the meaning of 'unconditional love' is.. and (in facebook language) what being "in an open relationship" means:-) (This, by the way, intrigues very many people)
You enriched my world, with so many many happy times..tough times.. and we grew up together, learning to always remain best friends!

Memories, dreams, visions, hopes, desires, magic- all churned up my two devils- which means you both - Aanchal and Saahil:-) And life changed tracks once more.. this time towards the happiest years of my life. Watching you both grow from dribbling babies, to lisping toddlers- then intense (and intensely naughty) youngsters..crazy teenagers (in your case, sonny boy-- I am forced to add "And HOW!!!!" ).. then confident, intelligent, considerate, responsible, loving adults..its been a pleasurable journey:-) You, Shalu..you just crept into our lives, waltzed into our hearts (first as an ugly duckling, that magically metamorphosed into a graceful swam) and catapulted the cauldron of our rishtas into a new dimension! Thank you, baby- for being part of us.

Gourav Sharma- kehne ko, my son-in-law..in reality- as dear to me as the children of my womb. Thank you, beta.. for filling up that still vacant corner of my life- with the warmest, supportive, loving, 'sensible' son that I needed to complete the rosy picture!! (Sorry- Terrible Twins-- not found place yet for your partners)

Today-as I stand at a higher citadel and look around me-- I am so gratified to find myself surrounded by all of you, your love, so many friends, well-wishers, enemies? (Naah!) -- whom I am everlastingly grateful to, for joining my bandwagon and making my journey so much more fun! (This includes my college friends - Pushpa Bhandari Bisht, Sumedha Sahni, Husnara Khan, Mangala Konsam, Dinesh, Sukhbir, etc etc etc, my FB friends -- all of you! my family, cousins, school kids..EVERYONE- who is there in my days and nights)

Yes- I have lived these years on my own terms- every step of the way. Thank you all - Mom, Rajiv, Aanchal, Saahil, Shalu- for encouraging me to do so. Thank you too, my best friend of these 15 years- Arun Edwards-Thank you all- For always being there for me, sharing my every dream, happiness, passion and hurt, standing firmly by our friendship,  walking shoulder-to-shoulder with me, shouldering me from trouble and strife, as noone else could!

Somehow, all of these memories seem to be just as bright and shiny as they were when they were formed! And that makes me believe in Magic. The magic of Love.

Today- I wish to commemorate a few people who contributed greatly (without knowing it!) to providing the guidelines to my journey.
Thank you Ogden Nash : You told me : "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely".
Thank you Lucille Ball : I believed you when you said : "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age:-)"
Thank you George Bernard Shaw. You sure had a point when you commented "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children!"
....May I live to be a hundred years...With one extra year to repent:-)

CHEERS !

The transition from pinnacles to plateaux...

The journey of Life is so strange, so intangible.One doesn't realize how, when, where one keeps stepping over new thresholds, entering new spaces, altering the hues of one's ever-changing  horizons. Speaking of my own life, I remember my carefree, happy, secure childhood....born and brought up in an army household, changing innumerable towns, schools and friends, learning to adapt to altering circumstances..helped along by the immense love and faith in mom and papa's heart...and Wham! Stage 2, the rollercoaster teenage years..school, boys, books, boys, studies, boys, dreams, boys, romance..and yet again-boys:-) Years flowed like sand under my feet..as I raced happily into much-awaited adulthood. Then medical college, hard work, hostels far away from the security of home..and Rajiv. I met him while in final year college, and the next thing I knew..the whirlwind romance catapulted me into the picturesque valleys of Kashmir with my husband and best friend, with a wedding ring on my finger and stars in my eyes.

Life was a series of pinnacles and valleys..now up, now down..and I para-sailed my way through the happy years..helped along by the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps..first of my adorable daughter (That means YOU, Aanchal) and some years later, by my cartoon ant- son (one guess who?..right! You- Brat:-))  The glorious years flew..and Shalu- a lanky, gawky little girl, entered our home and soon snuggled herself comfortably inside our hearts..

The dizzy 20's, the adventurous 30's, the maturing 40's, and now the still-young-at-heart 50's..... Nothing has changed really. I moved on and ahead..forging new bonds..making precious friends..teaching and learning new lessons in life along the way. The unconditional love of my children (which they learnt from their dad..as did I) made the few gorges seem like tiny pitfalls..and my world was filled with laughter. excitement and the fragrance of love. I lost my father, as the cruel hands of destiny snatched him from us so suddenly years ago..but the  love and support of the strongest and most vibrant lady I know- my mother..kept me atop my pinnacles. Ably assisted by the husband and children.

Then came schools and parent-teacher meetings, hopes and ambitions, competitions and careers..until the children flew the coop, turn by turn, flying with the wings we gave them, to their own horizons. The house fell silent, and it took me quite a lot of time, strength, will-power and soul-wrenching to adjust to the yet-again altered circumstances. My towers of strength (mother, husband, children and a very special friend) held my hands and pulled me up when I fell..and helped me regain my balance and face up to the truth. And Life flowed on...

The 50's... what changes suddenly? Why does all the "adjusting" suddenly become so uphill a task? Everything is the same. All support systems in place. All the love, companionship, friendship matching steps with me in the forward march. The way I figure it out is - maybe the chasms of expectations become deeper..the crevasses of dreams/desires versus reality become insurmountable...the abysses of wanting the constant highs in life enfold one inside their depths, to find no more pinnacles to scale.....
Whatever the reason..I seem to find assorted craters, ravines and gorges to fall into every day. And its becoming difficult to negotiate them. I know the strength and determination to climb out of them has to come from within me. And to find new pinnacles to climb. But until that happens, until I keep falling...there is just one advice I can give to myself..one that both Aanchal and Saahil-- you will completely identify with.....

"Fall with your mouth closed".

:-)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :): "I woke up this morning, picked up my phone to find a message from Mom saying that my Brat brother had written something that she and Papa, ..."

Breaking point

The human machine is a creation par excellence. . and the brain its powerhouse. Somewhere between the body and brain of the machine, lies an undefinable entity - the mind. Innumerable ramifications, unreachable depths, uncontrollable reaches of imagination, an unplumbable vortex of emotions...

This then, becomes the "weak-spot" of the machine.

A lifetime on earth- living at the edges of a grand roller-coaster- now up, now down..and seconds, minutes, hours melt into days, weeks, months, years, decades..and the ride goes on and on. A scattering of moments are all that remain as memories..the rest fade into the dark, dusty cloak of Time.

What then is "breaking point"? Who defines it? Age? Time? God Almighty? Destiny? People?
The vulnerable mind sometimes gets pushed to the very edge of the roller-coaster, and hangs precariously at the precipice of sanity. Dark shadows- some real, some imagined- spread their darkness into the soul, and many tentacles of pain claw their way into one's insides...and one can just observe the picture - detached and alone- helpless in one's citadel..

Plunging happily into the stream of life, entering willingly with eyes open into the deepest relationships, using our strengths to their fullest.. we wade through the waters.. until the world, as one has imagined and clawed the way for, seems to fall apart..with people walking paths of their choices, to their self-made horizons.. It is then, that we find God, in the very extremity of the battle of life.

Looking around, at so many of the people I have known over the years- I am deeply saddened to see this phenomenon spreading into hearts and minds- turning homes into concrete houses, brightness into shadows.

Values, commitments, vows, promises, duties and caring- all seem to dissolve in a storm of self-fulfillment, needs, choices, complacency and the "I" factor. It is "I" that is most important..."I" that overshadows all the "we's" and "us's" of a lifetime.

It is at times like this, that one needs somebody of one's own- to share the agonizing doubts wafting across the short-circuited synapses of the mind, to give unconditional love, to extend that helping hand so vital for surviving through phases of insanity.
The person who would fall in the slot of "Tu hai to I'll be alright"!

What is YOUR "breaking point" then?

Once upon a time, there lived a cat called Gabriel...

Once upon a time, there was a kitten. A tiny, scrawny, ginger-coloured little ball of fluff. Shivering and whimpering in the corner of a park, petrified at the big, noisy world around it. Its huge golden eyes desperately seeking for the comforting sight and feel of its mother.

Some small, nice children came a-playing in the park. They lived in a posh colony of Noida, and had seen a "didi" every evening, who lived in a rented barsati there, and had a pet cat she loved. They came upon the trembling kitten and were sad to see it all alone , hungry and sad. They chattered excitedly amongst themselves, contemplating on what to do with the tiny creature.

The doorbell rang. Aanchal "didi" opened the door, to see two shy little children holding up a tiny basket. She was surprised, since she had never spoken to the children before. She looked inside, and to her delight, saw a pair of liquid, tawny eyes set in the cutest, softest, most innocently adorable face of the tiny kitten. The children handed her the gift and ran away, secure in the knowledge that they had brought the lost, helpless baby HOME. Where the "didi" lived with another little cat, Xena.

Aanchal held the kitten in her lap, looked into its trusting eyes, and was lost! She taught it to drink milk, as it was so small that it did not know how to lap up milk from a saucer. She gave it warmth, safety, comfort, food, love..and..a name. Gabrielle.

Days, weeks, months went by, and Gabrielle grew into a strong, beautiful, friendly cat..with an attitude of disdain towards the whole world, and love flowing out from her every move, her fluid eyes..for her "mother". On her first routine visit to the vet, it was discovered that Gabrielle was not what "she" seemed. She was, in fact, a "he"- and the vet laughingly christened him "Gabriel" :-)

Gabriel lived with his adopted mom, and moved in to her new home when she married her long-time friend, and love- of -her -life, Gourav. Both of them made a home for both Xena and Gabriel, and the years went by - the love in their quaint household ever-growing, ever- alive. Gabriel responded to his name and had the most delightful antics. He learnt how to jump on a door-knob and turn it, on the door latch and unlatch it.. to be with his beloved Aanchal. Looking at him, it sometimes seemed that he actually could think, plan, and execute situations to his own benefit. The love he had for his "mom", was obvious to even the non-animal lover's eye. And was incredible beyond belief! There was a new addition to the menagerie that was "home" to the abandoned, lost helpless creatures- a tiny puppy that they found on the road one day- Brandy. The three romped around their home, and spread sunshine along their way, as they grew.

17th June 2011. Gabriel, as usual, following his mistress around the room with his tawny eyes, watched as she got dressed to go out. He jumped down near her, purring and rubbing his soft head on her legs. Then he went out on the balcony of the flat on the 5th storey, as he did every morning, to sun himself a bit and sleep on a cushion on the chair. Aanchal called out to say Bye to him, as she had done the four years he had been with her. Not hearing the sleepy meaow in response, she looked for him everywhere, but could not find him. Then she noticed that Brandy was jumping up and down at the fencing of the balcony and barking loudly, running up to her and back to the railing. Fearing the worst, Aanchal and Gourav ran down to the car park, hoping against hope that their fears were unfounded.. and suddenly their driver called out that Gabriel was hiding under one of the cars. They picked him up tenderly, and rushed him to the vet. Gabriel had fallen off the railing and down 5 floors. He had broken part of his lower back, and seemed to be in shock. The vet gave him some injections and told them that 24 hours were crucial. They nursed him gently, warming his cold, pale body with their arms through the night. He would cry with pain, then curl up in Aanchal's lap, looking at her with eyes glazed with pain. Today morning, the vet again examined him, and said he may pull through, then again, he may not.

All through the day, both "parents" sat with their "baby".. willing him to fight..to get well, heal, recover. Then, on the way to the vet in the evening, he died.

 ------"and then he took his last breath in my arms... and I told G that he isn't breathing...tried to close his eyes...and G looked at him and his face crumpled up too...we were trying to rush to the doc's place to see if there's any chance of getting him back...Got stuck in a traffic jam outside the vet's place...rushed in ....And he checked for a heartbeat 6 times, and then...that's it.
Ma, everything in the house reminds me of him. He used to climb up everywhere...Get inside everything...Feels so empty...and weird... and sad. Put him in the cardboard box he used to sleep in... to bury him next to Xena."

All of you who have had pets and loved them, will understand the pain. All who haven't.. may think its too much hype. All I want to say is - the immense love a pet gives you, the intense trust, the complete belonging..is something we humans can never find among our own kinds.

"It is better to have loved and lost..than never to have loved at all".
RIP, Gabriel. This is for you.

Kitni ajeeb hai zindagi

Kitni ajeeb hai zindagi-
Kahan se kahan le aati hai.
Hum dor pakadte hain kas ke..
Phir bhi haathon se phisal jaati hai.

Woh khwabon main doobe din
Woh jaagti raaten..
Woh umeedein, woh manzilein..
Ghuma-phira ke mil to jaati hain.

Sab kuch hota hai aas-paas,
Saare raaste manzilon se jude-jude
Phir kyon meri nazar se dekhi zindagi
Dhundli- dhundli nazar aati hai?

Hum-raaz, hum-khayal, hum-safar raahon ke
Kab hum-zubaan, hum-kadam, hum-safar se nahin lagte..
Khaali jharokon se dekhte hain hum ..
To bas apni parchayiyon ka sayaa nazar aata hai.

Itni ajeeb kyon hai zindagi?
Kyon apne aur apnon ke raastey juda ho jaate hain?
Kahan se laayen ab woh dil ka sakoon..
Jiski chaah main saari zindagi nikal jaati hai.