Life. And We-The People.

I haven't blogged in months. Strangely, what was once an outlet for churned up emotions, thoughts, aspirations, desires and dreams..now seems an empty canvas. Nothing seems to work me up into a fireball lately. And hence all words remain locked up inside the neurons in my head. 


Maybe its the doing-too-much-at-one-time syndrome. Maybe the aftermath of the syndrome. Whatever it is, I do not like it! If I am me, then why do I become a stranger just like that? 


Don't you all feel this way at times? Wondering why the pace of life ebbs and flows with total randomness and total disregard for your wants? Even the spirit of Christmas, which has always managed to provide that boot-in-the-rear momentum to life..seems to have packed its bags and retired:-( 


So what do you think life is? A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while? Then I hereby order all of you cells to reformulate your patterns and become ME, for Chrissakes!

Reaching out-

Dear Blog,

I haven't written to you since a long, long time, and I know you must be feeling just as lonely as I am. It was easier somehow to share my soul with you when you were a Diary..this new cyber avatar is a trifle difficult to reach when I stretch my arms.
So many things I need to share with you. Sadness, excitement, hopes, dreams, desires, confusion, $@#&#, irritations, aspirations.. where are you when I need you most??? When the world goes out of focus, when the birds stop chirping, when the rainbows fade? Why do I find it easier to turn to my damp pillow at times like these? Wake up, Blog! Get your act together! You and I are a team, right? So BE there for me when I need you most. Open your eyes when you see me reaching out for you. Or I may just destroy you.

Yours-for-now,

The Creator

Happy Birthday to Me:-)

Its my birthday again! Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months..seem to be blessed by the wings of time! Life speeds by so fast that it makes me dizzy sometimes! And no..its not spondylitis! I look back over the enchanting years-and the power-point presentation of memories of my childhood and youth flash in front of my eyes.  The warmth of the sunshine of mom and papa's love, the holidays on hill-stations year after year, the many new schools in diverse towns, as papa was posted from town to town in the course of his long distinguished career as an officer (and gentleman) of the Indian Armed Forces, the unconditional love and 'I-will-always-have-faith-in-you-no-matter-what' that I learnt from my mom (you, Vinnie Dev)...and incorporated in your lives, my precious children.. all seems to be there all around me in my every Today somehow. I can hear papa's voice calling out to me to look at a rainbow in the sky, a caterpillar in the throes of emerging as a butterfly, a colourful bird, a firefly in the dark nights..I seem to look up and see him looking up at the bright sun to sneeze..that was one of the quaintest of his traits! The others were his complete love for his first precious grandchild (you, Aanchal), and calling 'nadi' -'dariya and 'ped'- 'drakht'!!
The world lost my dad on 22nd December 1987, but none of us ever did. He lives in our hearts every moment, with his sunny smile and warm arms..which kept my childhood so secure. You, Saahil, he held just a couple of times in his arms when you were born, and then again when you were a couple of months old. That is one of my few regrets and complaints to life..that you did not know him.

Mom-- what do I say to describe you??? My lovely, loving, completely crazy, incredibly vibrant mother:-) Love you with all my heart, Ma. All I am today, all I have..is all thanks to you.

The kaleidoscope of my memories surround me with their ever-changing patters..always colourful, always enchanting. You, Rajiv- my friend, confidante, partner in every sense of the word, best pal, husband- you came into my life, have transformed me into a realm all my own, where I made friends with myself and with the whole world. You showed me again what the meaning of 'unconditional love' is.. and (in facebook language) what being "in an open relationship" means:-) (This, by the way, intrigues very many people)
You enriched my world, with so many many happy times..tough times.. and we grew up together, learning to always remain best friends!

Memories, dreams, visions, hopes, desires, magic- all churned up my two devils- which means you both - Aanchal and Saahil:-) And life changed tracks once more.. this time towards the happiest years of my life. Watching you both grow from dribbling babies, to lisping toddlers- then intense (and intensely naughty) youngsters..crazy teenagers (in your case, sonny boy-- I am forced to add "And HOW!!!!" ).. then confident, intelligent, considerate, responsible, loving adults..its been a pleasurable journey:-) You, Shalu..you just crept into our lives, waltzed into our hearts (first as an ugly duckling, that magically metamorphosed into a graceful swam) and catapulted the cauldron of our rishtas into a new dimension! Thank you, baby- for being part of us.

Gourav Sharma- kehne ko, my son-in-law..in reality- as dear to me as the children of my womb. Thank you, beta.. for filling up that still vacant corner of my life- with the warmest, supportive, loving, 'sensible' son that I needed to complete the rosy picture!! (Sorry- Terrible Twins-- not found place yet for your partners)

Today-as I stand at a higher citadel and look around me-- I am so gratified to find myself surrounded by all of you, your love, so many friends, well-wishers, enemies? (Naah!) -- whom I am everlastingly grateful to, for joining my bandwagon and making my journey so much more fun! (This includes my college friends - Pushpa Bhandari Bisht, Sumedha Sahni, Husnara Khan, Mangala Konsam, Dinesh, Sukhbir, etc etc etc, my FB friends -- all of you! my family, cousins, school kids..EVERYONE- who is there in my days and nights)

Yes- I have lived these years on my own terms- every step of the way. Thank you all - Mom, Rajiv, Aanchal, Saahil, Shalu- for encouraging me to do so. Thank you too, my best friend of these 15 years- Arun Edwards-Thank you all- For always being there for me, sharing my every dream, happiness, passion and hurt, standing firmly by our friendship,  walking shoulder-to-shoulder with me, shouldering me from trouble and strife, as noone else could!

Somehow, all of these memories seem to be just as bright and shiny as they were when they were formed! And that makes me believe in Magic. The magic of Love.

Today- I wish to commemorate a few people who contributed greatly (without knowing it!) to providing the guidelines to my journey.
Thank you Ogden Nash : You told me : "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely".
Thank you Lucille Ball : I believed you when you said : "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age:-)"
Thank you George Bernard Shaw. You sure had a point when you commented "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children!"
....May I live to be a hundred years...With one extra year to repent:-)

CHEERS !

The transition from pinnacles to plateaux...

The journey of Life is so strange, so intangible.One doesn't realize how, when, where one keeps stepping over new thresholds, entering new spaces, altering the hues of one's ever-changing  horizons. Speaking of my own life, I remember my carefree, happy, secure childhood....born and brought up in an army household, changing innumerable towns, schools and friends, learning to adapt to altering circumstances..helped along by the immense love and faith in mom and papa's heart...and Wham! Stage 2, the rollercoaster teenage years..school, boys, books, boys, studies, boys, dreams, boys, romance..and yet again-boys:-) Years flowed like sand under my feet..as I raced happily into much-awaited adulthood. Then medical college, hard work, hostels far away from the security of home..and Rajiv. I met him while in final year college, and the next thing I knew..the whirlwind romance catapulted me into the picturesque valleys of Kashmir with my husband and best friend, with a wedding ring on my finger and stars in my eyes.

Life was a series of pinnacles and valleys..now up, now down..and I para-sailed my way through the happy years..helped along by the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps..first of my adorable daughter (That means YOU, Aanchal) and some years later, by my cartoon ant- son (one guess who?..right! You- Brat:-))  The glorious years flew..and Shalu- a lanky, gawky little girl, entered our home and soon snuggled herself comfortably inside our hearts..

The dizzy 20's, the adventurous 30's, the maturing 40's, and now the still-young-at-heart 50's..... Nothing has changed really. I moved on and ahead..forging new bonds..making precious friends..teaching and learning new lessons in life along the way. The unconditional love of my children (which they learnt from their dad..as did I) made the few gorges seem like tiny pitfalls..and my world was filled with laughter. excitement and the fragrance of love. I lost my father, as the cruel hands of destiny snatched him from us so suddenly years ago..but the  love and support of the strongest and most vibrant lady I know- my mother..kept me atop my pinnacles. Ably assisted by the husband and children.

Then came schools and parent-teacher meetings, hopes and ambitions, competitions and careers..until the children flew the coop, turn by turn, flying with the wings we gave them, to their own horizons. The house fell silent, and it took me quite a lot of time, strength, will-power and soul-wrenching to adjust to the yet-again altered circumstances. My towers of strength (mother, husband, children and a very special friend) held my hands and pulled me up when I fell..and helped me regain my balance and face up to the truth. And Life flowed on...

The 50's... what changes suddenly? Why does all the "adjusting" suddenly become so uphill a task? Everything is the same. All support systems in place. All the love, companionship, friendship matching steps with me in the forward march. The way I figure it out is - maybe the chasms of expectations become deeper..the crevasses of dreams/desires versus reality become insurmountable...the abysses of wanting the constant highs in life enfold one inside their depths, to find no more pinnacles to scale.....
Whatever the reason..I seem to find assorted craters, ravines and gorges to fall into every day. And its becoming difficult to negotiate them. I know the strength and determination to climb out of them has to come from within me. And to find new pinnacles to climb. But until that happens, until I keep falling...there is just one advice I can give to myself..one that both Aanchal and Saahil-- you will completely identify with.....

"Fall with your mouth closed".

:-)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :): "I woke up this morning, picked up my phone to find a message from Mom saying that my Brat brother had written something that she and Papa, ..."

Breaking point

The human machine is a creation par excellence. . and the brain its powerhouse. Somewhere between the body and brain of the machine, lies an undefinable entity - the mind. Innumerable ramifications, unreachable depths, uncontrollable reaches of imagination, an unplumbable vortex of emotions...

This then, becomes the "weak-spot" of the machine.

A lifetime on earth- living at the edges of a grand roller-coaster- now up, now down..and seconds, minutes, hours melt into days, weeks, months, years, decades..and the ride goes on and on. A scattering of moments are all that remain as memories..the rest fade into the dark, dusty cloak of Time.

What then is "breaking point"? Who defines it? Age? Time? God Almighty? Destiny? People?
The vulnerable mind sometimes gets pushed to the very edge of the roller-coaster, and hangs precariously at the precipice of sanity. Dark shadows- some real, some imagined- spread their darkness into the soul, and many tentacles of pain claw their way into one's insides...and one can just observe the picture - detached and alone- helpless in one's citadel..

Plunging happily into the stream of life, entering willingly with eyes open into the deepest relationships, using our strengths to their fullest.. we wade through the waters.. until the world, as one has imagined and clawed the way for, seems to fall apart..with people walking paths of their choices, to their self-made horizons.. It is then, that we find God, in the very extremity of the battle of life.

Looking around, at so many of the people I have known over the years- I am deeply saddened to see this phenomenon spreading into hearts and minds- turning homes into concrete houses, brightness into shadows.

Values, commitments, vows, promises, duties and caring- all seem to dissolve in a storm of self-fulfillment, needs, choices, complacency and the "I" factor. It is "I" that is most important..."I" that overshadows all the "we's" and "us's" of a lifetime.

It is at times like this, that one needs somebody of one's own- to share the agonizing doubts wafting across the short-circuited synapses of the mind, to give unconditional love, to extend that helping hand so vital for surviving through phases of insanity.
The person who would fall in the slot of "Tu hai to I'll be alright"!

What is YOUR "breaking point" then?

Once upon a time, there lived a cat called Gabriel...

Once upon a time, there was a kitten. A tiny, scrawny, ginger-coloured little ball of fluff. Shivering and whimpering in the corner of a park, petrified at the big, noisy world around it. Its huge golden eyes desperately seeking for the comforting sight and feel of its mother.

Some small, nice children came a-playing in the park. They lived in a posh colony of Noida, and had seen a "didi" every evening, who lived in a rented barsati there, and had a pet cat she loved. They came upon the trembling kitten and were sad to see it all alone , hungry and sad. They chattered excitedly amongst themselves, contemplating on what to do with the tiny creature.

The doorbell rang. Aanchal "didi" opened the door, to see two shy little children holding up a tiny basket. She was surprised, since she had never spoken to the children before. She looked inside, and to her delight, saw a pair of liquid, tawny eyes set in the cutest, softest, most innocently adorable face of the tiny kitten. The children handed her the gift and ran away, secure in the knowledge that they had brought the lost, helpless baby HOME. Where the "didi" lived with another little cat, Xena.

Aanchal held the kitten in her lap, looked into its trusting eyes, and was lost! She taught it to drink milk, as it was so small that it did not know how to lap up milk from a saucer. She gave it warmth, safety, comfort, food, love..and..a name. Gabrielle.

Days, weeks, months went by, and Gabrielle grew into a strong, beautiful, friendly cat..with an attitude of disdain towards the whole world, and love flowing out from her every move, her fluid eyes..for her "mother". On her first routine visit to the vet, it was discovered that Gabrielle was not what "she" seemed. She was, in fact, a "he"- and the vet laughingly christened him "Gabriel" :-)

Gabriel lived with his adopted mom, and moved in to her new home when she married her long-time friend, and love- of -her -life, Gourav. Both of them made a home for both Xena and Gabriel, and the years went by - the love in their quaint household ever-growing, ever- alive. Gabriel responded to his name and had the most delightful antics. He learnt how to jump on a door-knob and turn it, on the door latch and unlatch it.. to be with his beloved Aanchal. Looking at him, it sometimes seemed that he actually could think, plan, and execute situations to his own benefit. The love he had for his "mom", was obvious to even the non-animal lover's eye. And was incredible beyond belief! There was a new addition to the menagerie that was "home" to the abandoned, lost helpless creatures- a tiny puppy that they found on the road one day- Brandy. The three romped around their home, and spread sunshine along their way, as they grew.

17th June 2011. Gabriel, as usual, following his mistress around the room with his tawny eyes, watched as she got dressed to go out. He jumped down near her, purring and rubbing his soft head on her legs. Then he went out on the balcony of the flat on the 5th storey, as he did every morning, to sun himself a bit and sleep on a cushion on the chair. Aanchal called out to say Bye to him, as she had done the four years he had been with her. Not hearing the sleepy meaow in response, she looked for him everywhere, but could not find him. Then she noticed that Brandy was jumping up and down at the fencing of the balcony and barking loudly, running up to her and back to the railing. Fearing the worst, Aanchal and Gourav ran down to the car park, hoping against hope that their fears were unfounded.. and suddenly their driver called out that Gabriel was hiding under one of the cars. They picked him up tenderly, and rushed him to the vet. Gabriel had fallen off the railing and down 5 floors. He had broken part of his lower back, and seemed to be in shock. The vet gave him some injections and told them that 24 hours were crucial. They nursed him gently, warming his cold, pale body with their arms through the night. He would cry with pain, then curl up in Aanchal's lap, looking at her with eyes glazed with pain. Today morning, the vet again examined him, and said he may pull through, then again, he may not.

All through the day, both "parents" sat with their "baby".. willing him to fight..to get well, heal, recover. Then, on the way to the vet in the evening, he died.

 ------"and then he took his last breath in my arms... and I told G that he isn't breathing...tried to close his eyes...and G looked at him and his face crumpled up too...we were trying to rush to the doc's place to see if there's any chance of getting him back...Got stuck in a traffic jam outside the vet's place...rushed in ....And he checked for a heartbeat 6 times, and then...that's it.
Ma, everything in the house reminds me of him. He used to climb up everywhere...Get inside everything...Feels so empty...and weird... and sad. Put him in the cardboard box he used to sleep in... to bury him next to Xena."

All of you who have had pets and loved them, will understand the pain. All who haven't.. may think its too much hype. All I want to say is - the immense love a pet gives you, the intense trust, the complete belonging..is something we humans can never find among our own kinds.

"It is better to have loved and lost..than never to have loved at all".
RIP, Gabriel. This is for you.

Kitni ajeeb hai zindagi

Kitni ajeeb hai zindagi-
Kahan se kahan le aati hai.
Hum dor pakadte hain kas ke..
Phir bhi haathon se phisal jaati hai.

Woh khwabon main doobe din
Woh jaagti raaten..
Woh umeedein, woh manzilein..
Ghuma-phira ke mil to jaati hain.

Sab kuch hota hai aas-paas,
Saare raaste manzilon se jude-jude
Phir kyon meri nazar se dekhi zindagi
Dhundli- dhundli nazar aati hai?

Hum-raaz, hum-khayal, hum-safar raahon ke
Kab hum-zubaan, hum-kadam, hum-safar se nahin lagte..
Khaali jharokon se dekhte hain hum ..
To bas apni parchayiyon ka sayaa nazar aata hai.

Itni ajeeb kyon hai zindagi?
Kyon apne aur apnon ke raastey juda ho jaate hain?
Kahan se laayen ab woh dil ka sakoon..
Jiski chaah main saari zindagi nikal jaati hai.

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :): "I woke up this morning, picked up my phone to find a message from Mom saying that my Brat brother had written something that she and Papa, ..."

A note from my son..for his sister---

he one rupee that made me what i am.. and gave me what i have..

by Saahil Tyagi on Wednesday, 08 June 2011 at 05:44

Its amazing how every small incident, every small thought, every small memory becomes a small part of your personality.. of who you are.. of what you do.. One of which i remembered today.

I must have been 10... i went to a boys convent St. Mary's in Meerut. My Sister Aanchal went to a girl's Convent Sophia, not very far from my school. Both of us were very different as children. She is 4 and a half years elder to me and she had probably read more books then, than i have till date. I always looked up to her. Always somehow thought she could solve any problem. We fought a lot.. but i still felt this security when she was around and we were at some friends birthday party.

So in school...

I used to wait all day for 'chutti' because of the 'thela wala's outside' who i still think sold the most amazing things. 'laal wala churan, imli ki chatni, local made ice candy, a local made chewing gum (that the guy would turn into any shape you wanted like a peacock and perch it on a stick), a plastic pipe (with frozen orange and cola liquid inside that you were supposed to melt with your tongue and drink), masale wali mooli with imli ki chatni on top, chuski, chatmola, boiled bhutta, orange soda (that i loved) and i can go on forever. I used to go home in an auto rikshaw, the auto wale bhaiya's name was 'Mujjan' so sometimes after 'chutti' when i had money, i had 10 min to buy something before 'mujjan bhaiya' would go crazy. So this one day i so correctly remember, i had one rupee to spend after 'chutti' which could actually buy me any one of most of the things i listed. i remember it was really hot and i wanted to buy the plastic pipe (with frozen orange liquid) also the orange soda and the oraaaange bars (as the guy advertised for it). but i felt i should buy the imli ki chatni (which came in a transparent plastic packing) not because i wanted to eat it that much.. but because i wanted to put it in a katori when i reached home and lay next to Aanchal with it when she read her book, because she loved having something of that sort while reading. And even though then i didn't think about it this way then, but i wanted to spend time with her 'with a common interest' which was going to be the imli ki chatni that day. And it automatically made both of us SO Happy..

And like they say.. a flutter of a butterflies somewhere may cause a tornado elsewhere... I believe that the flutter of butterflies everywhere causes fairweather at another everywhere, at another time. That day 'maybe' unknowingly i learnt to invest all my love into someone i would want close to me for life. Someone i look up to.. someone my heart feels secure with.. someone i love not more than everyone else.. but as much as a few others. :) :)

P.S.: Aanchal.. I Love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much..

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I awoke to a fresh new morn, reached for my netbook..to catch up on the world and its machinations through the night, as I slept. Suddenly chanced upon this note- posted on facebook by my son. In itself, you would think- pretty sweet, nice sentiments... but its a whole lot more than that for us. Saahil- the youngest in the family, is an out and out dyslexic. In the age he grew up, unfortunately, neither his teachers, nor society and not even us, his parents- were all that aware of the complexities of the condition! He grew up with his personal hell- unable to phrase his torment, at not being able to "keep up" with his fellow-students. The demands of education, the expectations of his teachers, peers and most importantly, US- his parents-- took its toll on his tender mind right from age 6 onwards. Inability to comprehend printed words (which, as he explained years later- seemed to dance before his eyes and made him dizzy to catch and hold in place long enough to read), altered appreciation of colours, and a different perception of all things as compared to the "normal"-- must have made his childhood pretty confusing and frustrating.....inspite of all the love that abounded in plenty in our home.

His brilliant mind made him a scintillating talker, he would discuss concepts far ahead of his age..make up new words all the time.. It was "frigilator" for the stabilizer atop the fridge, "Goi" for that tar-filled wagon that carried molten tar used for laying roads.... his dad left the Air Force early while at the rank of Flight Lieutenant .. and he would explain that his father used to fly fighter planes and "left it" hence he was Flight Leftenent":-) The only awards he ever won at school were for story-telling!

I still remember the day, his dad and I went to watch the film "Taarey Zameen Par". That I think was a landmark for both of us. We held hands in the movie hall..and cried. Every bit of the torment so beautifully and sensitively picturized in the film..that the little dyslexic boy went through, danced before our eyes..and we could actually re-live Saahil's days in school and home. We could reach out and feel his torment. I think that day, something inside of me broke, and Saahil suddenly escalated in stature within my heart and soul as the most precious part of my life.

Aanchal and he had always been close. Things they shared, talked about, did- were completely theirs. We were not part of their little world. Aanchal was probably his only cushion against the cruel world:-) All the slaps and verbal battering that his childhood took, all the expectatins and hopes of the parents he loved so much.. made him attain strange little mannerisms- nervous tics of all kinds, which further magnified our worries.

Reading? Naah! That was not for our lame fledgling. Aanchal was the avid reader. The only book we ever managed to make him read was Huckleberry Finn! Which he boasted about for years to come:-) Writing? Sigh! I have preserved some of his classic works of literary ventures in an album. They are unbelievably retarded:-))) His studying before exams would involve my reading out lesson by lesson, question by question, answer by answer..through the days and nights.. the reading interrupted by many bonks on the tiny head as it nodded off to sleep:-)

All our worries of what he would do, how would he pass the boards, what career would he fit into....led our steps to a brilliant career counselor in Delhi- Ms. Pervin Malhotra. She told us not to attempt any formal education for him. His gift lay in articulation, social networking..in short-'the gift of the gab". Hence the hospitality industry would be his forte.


Today- when we see him as a successful, dynamic, happy young executive at a premier 5 Star Hotel in Mumbai, we are so happy and proud! 


So you see- why this note of his means so much to all of us?? Our little lame fledgling had gotten his wings. And can fly on his own. He can read now. And write. And express his feelings so touchingly:-) 


This one's for you, my son. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!


With apologies for any rude remarks in this note:-))) 


Mom