Ye hai Zindagi

The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn.
I have to keep telling myself that. Again and again and again. Also- Life comes round a full circle. And as you sow, so shall you reap. What life gives you is what you have put into it. 


My day for quotations. And introspection. Its strange really. Half a century and more of my life- thinking, feeling, believing that I am the cat's whiskers. The pivotal figure in everybody's lives. And then suddenly, life takes a U-turn. And WHAM! Realization dawns! No I am not really!


I sometimes wonder what made me so confident about my omnipresence and omnipotency? My happy childhood? My comfortable and secure marriage? The wonderfully supporting and unconditionally loving family I have? My children? The ease with which people always liked me? My ability to make friends? Or all of the above?


Now- when I look at the world around me- I see that everybody has taken their own U-turns, chosen their own meandering paths, followed their own means to the end of their rainbows. And all of these paths have moved away from me! And I am left hanging on to my pedestal.


I see before me, two paths. One-which leads downhill. The other-to a distant bend on the road ahead. I know its time for me to choose the latter. And take that turn. I will not let the road end. 


 More quotations? - No point crying over spilt milk. One should always look before leaping. 


Jaan hai to jahaan hai:-)))


And most importantly- Live Life Kingsize!


Here's to always finding a loving hand when I fall. Or when I reach out.

The Kodak Moments

The years have sped by. I always knew they would, and hence had this habit of closing my eyes for a few seconds and consciously holding all poignant moments inside my memory-cells. And I am so glad I did that.
Today, as the world has moved to different dimensions, and all my running after it and trying to keep up with the race has exhausted me.. it is those precious memories that keep me from going bonkers!

Cut to the 1960's. Papa lying under a pear tree, snoozing in the warm sunshine on a cold winter's day, in the huge orchard my naana-naani had in Dehradun. Me- a little girl in a polka-dotted frock, prancing around chasing butterflies, happy in the warmth of her father's love, and the comfortable clinking of pots and pans in the far distance of the house, where my mom was cooking up a picnic feast for the two of us.

The 1970's. Here I am, in a shikara on the Dal lake in Srinagar- the moonlight reflecting the mountains in the calm waters, the fragrance of the flowers wafting songs inside my heart, as I manage to hoodwink my strict dad and have along with us, a young handsome officer (you- err..*identity witheld*) out for a moonlit boating jaunt..I close my eyes to still the excited hammering of my heart..and the moment is frozen yet again!

Here I am again- same time, same place- trudging up the mighty Zabarwan mountain, with the best friend I ever had (you, Sumedha Sahni) , and her brothers..my first attempt at being an intrepid mountaineer. The scent from the wild roses, my feet hooked into a rocky cranny to stop sliding off..the shared fag and unending conversation..yes- I can almost relive the moment even now!

21 December 1982. Screaming my guts out, torn apart with the searing, ripping, seething pain, almost breaking Rajiv's hand, holding on so hard, and the unexplainable feeling of hearing the thin cry of my first-born rent the air.. the tears flowing from her just-born father's eyes..lying on my side in a hospital bed and reaching for the toffees he had put under my pillow with so much love and consideration. The taste and sweetness lingers..and will stay with me forever.

Your first movie, Aanchal. 15 days old? Mom and I, and a huge baby-basket--the movie hall near Lohegaon, Pune..where your papa dropped us. Disco dancer! Sigh! Your fascination for Bappi da has its roots in this day:-)

A day in 1983. A little cherubic baby-girl, our first-born (You, Aanchal) left with the maid at our makeshift Air Force home in Pune, out to book out baggage with the railways all set for our first posting to Suratgarh in Rajasthan. Sitting on the pillion of our Yezdi bike all the way home for the last time in the town that gave me so  much- holding on tight to my friend, partner and husband (you, Rajiv), feeling the familiar breeze blowing through my hair for the last time (The truck to take away the bike was waiting at home)- I closed my eyes to hold the moment and freeze it in eternity- and here it is again! Whenever I close my eyes and reach for it.

Diwali Mela at Defence Colony. 1991? - Feeling the tiny warm hand in mine (your's, Saahil)- comfort asked, comfort given- with the inquisitive little face attempting to look over the knees of the crowds, flickering lights of excitement dancing in his eyes- the gambling stall- what was it? "Seven, Over-Seven or Under-Seven" played with two dice. Your first exposure to your mother's gambling soul- I can see the confusion in your eyes- as I taught you to place your whole wealth (Rs 10) on one of the slots.. and lose it at the casting of the dice in one fell swoop:-) I smile each time the memory flashes before my closed eyes:-) its a wonder how you held on to your trust in me!

The mandap where I suddenly saw my little girl become a bride, a wife, a woman.

The soft click of the lock on the grill door, as I took off for the midnight jaunt with my madcap son to the Nauchandi mela..To buy CHOORAN! Cos he felt like having some:-)

The songs playing on the car deck,. the wind in my eyes, the smoke spiralling in tune to my tapping feet, as Brat and I shared a fag driving through the dark nights... sharing dreams, sharing souls.

There are so many Kodak Moments stored inside my head. I shut out the painful and hurting ones. And let the happy ones stay afloat.

Today- as my eyes are dimming faster than my vision, my hair greying faster than my soul, my body aging faster than my mind- and Life flowing in directions I had never imagined- I reach for all the Kodak Moments I hold within me, hold on to all that is ME, and lapse into my own Wonderland. And am happy again:-)

Thank you for all my precious memories Vinnie Dev (mom), Rajiv Tyagi (husband and friend), Aanchal and Saahil.

Thank you Shalu- for enriching our world. Thank you all my friends- who will always live within me.

Love you all.