To, The Son-rise of my world,
I just realized today, that the powers that be (Archies cards?) havent invented a day for sons!! That has to be rectified! So..I hereby decree today – the 4th Sunday of Sept as Daughters and Sons day! And how is it possible that a doting mom doesnt write some ...ahh..diplomatically chosen words of love for her “iklaota rajkumar”???
And so- here is something for you-the apple of my eye.
To begin- a suitable quote.
Happy is the son whose faith in his mother remains unchallenged.
So-have faith in my plans for you, and trust always in my judgment. For I am an authority of many things- pig sties included! ("This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now." )
Sigh!
You, my son- came into my life actually resented . The future of the most precious being in our lives was threatened if we were going to bear a member of the male fraternity. “Beta hi hoga” were the words constantly floating about my periphery all those long 9 months. And I have to admit- I resented them. For your dad and me..and nana and nani too..your sister was I think the most wonderful miracle that had fallen into our lives. And NOTHING could compare with that. Not even another daughter, we thought. Definitely NOT a son! We dreaded the thought of Aanchal being pushed into the background of our lives, so to say. So I used to pray hard for a second girl-child only. My childish way of “showing” the adversaries.
And then you were born. It was, all-in-all a chaotic day. And then at the hospital, nani stubbed her toe on a wheelchair and had to be given anti-tetanus shots. The pain searing through my body yet kept me lucid enough to wish hard (with fingers crossed) for a daughter. The doctor I remember, asked me what I wanted..and I replied “Beti”. And there you were! She said “Beti hui hai”. And I remember vividly, the tension easing out of my body:-) And my silent HA! - went unheard.
An hour or so later, after being wheeled through a haze of beaming faces..they put you into my extended arms. A screwed up, puckered dark scowling face, on a scrawny body. Disbelief! That is the one word that sums up all that was going through my mind.
Beta hua tha.
We went home..and days and weeks sped by in the spin of two children, 4 and a half years apart in age..it was work, work, work all the way. Juggling work with home, I can truly say, I did not enjoy your childhood as much as you deserved. Frequent scoldings, random slaps resounding inside (and outside) the walls of our home....each time I perceived something that threatened my sunny daughter's happiness. It was unfair. Very unfair.
I remember distinctly one day, when my mother said to me - “ye bhi tera hi bachcha hai, beta.”
That day, that comment, changed everything for me. Suddenly my world turned right side up. And the tiny lost face with big eyes full of confusion (and bigger teeth!) began to look like the cutest, loveliest little boy in the whole wide world. I fell in love with you that day, Saahil. But it was way too late. I do not know if your were born with your dyslexia or had it thrust upon you (by me) . I cannot forgive myself for those first few years of our lives together. My only excuse is that I knew not what I was doing...
I think Aanchal made up to you for all of our follies. She fell in love with her teeny-bopper brother from day one. Looked after you, cared for you, shared with you- and was always your best pal in your growing years. I still remember how your eyes would search for her at some friend's birthday party, and how automatically her hand and yours got entwined:-) Yes- I did notice all of that.
As you grew into a smart little boy- hopeless in studies and brilliant in mechanical gadgets and all things scientific and innovative. You invented new things (a water powered torch, assorted electrical gadgets to make your broken toys run, your sister's doll house lit up with your wiring and attaching cells to tiny bulbs...) new words (“goi” for the tar smelter used for making roads, frigilator for the stabilizer atop the fridge) I remember how you told a neighbour that your dad used to fly combat planes and “left it” hence you were Flight Left-enant Tyagi”!!! Life was full of your colourful report cards adorned all in red, PTMs and calls to the Principal's office, homework and learning..and utter despair! In the both of us:-) I think the only time you ever won a prize at school was for Story-Telling!!!! A rightly deserved prize for sure:-))))
Then came the turning point in our lives. I remember papa and me sitting in Row 3 from the screen watching :Taarey Zameen Par”..and seeing your life, your trauma..being played out on the screen. (Incidentally, The little boy in the film had an uncanny resemblance to you. As did the little boy in “Home Alone”) Rajiv and I held hands and wept in that dark hall that day. Wept for what we, as educated people of science, had allowed you to go through. (The very refrains of the song “Tujhe sab hai pata hai na Ma” still reduces me to tears)
Even being equipped with our new knowledge, your hopeless struggle with formalized education had me completely fazed out, with reading out your lessons to you through the night, while your little head dropped with sleep, and doing your homework for you..which continued right to making your projects in Hotel management College too!
I remember your hiding your test papers, making tall imaginative tales, bad grades, confusion, panic—and the small nervous tics that probably kept you from going insane. (Sounds worse than it was actually:-))
And the inevitable slaps:-)) You would bring me my knitting when I sat down to teach you—which I later realized was a smart means of not keeping my hands free to deliver some well-aimed bonks on your head:-))
I can go on and on. Where do I stop? At the blackmailing tactics papa and I used to resort to –for the other attending your PTMs? For the chemistry lab you set fire to? Sigh! I have to cut this short!
So- in short..Bit by bit, you entered my bloodstream and into my soul. I dont remember when what happened. I only know that you became an inseparable part of me..and air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, the essence of my soul. And I rose and fell with your ups and downs and my heart filled with pride at your achievements. I watched you turn into a upright young man- - - -my little lost boy.
Today, I smile when I see the new confidence in your step, the power in your voice, the self-assurance and dignity with which you conduct yourself. I am so proud of you, my son. I tried hard after the first few years , to “make it up” to you. I don't know if I succeeded partly or in whole- all I know is you far overtook everyone else inside the core of my being.
Thank you for being part of my body and soul. Thank you for the adventurous life I have led. (Shudderrr!!)
I love you-------And like I said to your sisters- my love for you is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. So here you have your very own personal bodyguard too:-)
So Beware!
Mom.
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