The transition from pinnacles to plateaux...

The journey of Life is so strange, so intangible.One doesn't realize how, when, where one keeps stepping over new thresholds, entering new spaces, altering the hues of one's ever-changing  horizons. Speaking of my own life, I remember my carefree, happy, secure childhood....born and brought up in an army household, changing innumerable towns, schools and friends, learning to adapt to altering circumstances..helped along by the immense love and faith in mom and papa's heart...and Wham! Stage 2, the rollercoaster teenage years..school, boys, books, boys, studies, boys, dreams, boys, romance..and yet again-boys:-) Years flowed like sand under my feet..as I raced happily into much-awaited adulthood. Then medical college, hard work, hostels far away from the security of home..and Rajiv. I met him while in final year college, and the next thing I knew..the whirlwind romance catapulted me into the picturesque valleys of Kashmir with my husband and best friend, with a wedding ring on my finger and stars in my eyes.

Life was a series of pinnacles and valleys..now up, now down..and I para-sailed my way through the happy years..helped along by the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps..first of my adorable daughter (That means YOU, Aanchal) and some years later, by my cartoon ant- son (one guess who?..right! You- Brat:-))  The glorious years flew..and Shalu- a lanky, gawky little girl, entered our home and soon snuggled herself comfortably inside our hearts..

The dizzy 20's, the adventurous 30's, the maturing 40's, and now the still-young-at-heart 50's..... Nothing has changed really. I moved on and ahead..forging new bonds..making precious friends..teaching and learning new lessons in life along the way. The unconditional love of my children (which they learnt from their dad..as did I) made the few gorges seem like tiny pitfalls..and my world was filled with laughter. excitement and the fragrance of love. I lost my father, as the cruel hands of destiny snatched him from us so suddenly years ago..but the  love and support of the strongest and most vibrant lady I know- my mother..kept me atop my pinnacles. Ably assisted by the husband and children.

Then came schools and parent-teacher meetings, hopes and ambitions, competitions and careers..until the children flew the coop, turn by turn, flying with the wings we gave them, to their own horizons. The house fell silent, and it took me quite a lot of time, strength, will-power and soul-wrenching to adjust to the yet-again altered circumstances. My towers of strength (mother, husband, children and a very special friend) held my hands and pulled me up when I fell..and helped me regain my balance and face up to the truth. And Life flowed on...

The 50's... what changes suddenly? Why does all the "adjusting" suddenly become so uphill a task? Everything is the same. All support systems in place. All the love, companionship, friendship matching steps with me in the forward march. The way I figure it out is - maybe the chasms of expectations become deeper..the crevasses of dreams/desires versus reality become insurmountable...the abysses of wanting the constant highs in life enfold one inside their depths, to find no more pinnacles to scale.....
Whatever the reason..I seem to find assorted craters, ravines and gorges to fall into every day. And its becoming difficult to negotiate them. I know the strength and determination to climb out of them has to come from within me. And to find new pinnacles to climb. But until that happens, until I keep falling...there is just one advice I can give to myself..one that both Aanchal and Saahil-- you will completely identify with.....

"Fall with your mouth closed".

:-)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :)

Three Drinks Ahead: The one conversation that made me who I am... :): "I woke up this morning, picked up my phone to find a message from Mom saying that my Brat brother had written something that she and Papa, ..."

Breaking point

The human machine is a creation par excellence. . and the brain its powerhouse. Somewhere between the body and brain of the machine, lies an undefinable entity - the mind. Innumerable ramifications, unreachable depths, uncontrollable reaches of imagination, an unplumbable vortex of emotions...

This then, becomes the "weak-spot" of the machine.

A lifetime on earth- living at the edges of a grand roller-coaster- now up, now down..and seconds, minutes, hours melt into days, weeks, months, years, decades..and the ride goes on and on. A scattering of moments are all that remain as memories..the rest fade into the dark, dusty cloak of Time.

What then is "breaking point"? Who defines it? Age? Time? God Almighty? Destiny? People?
The vulnerable mind sometimes gets pushed to the very edge of the roller-coaster, and hangs precariously at the precipice of sanity. Dark shadows- some real, some imagined- spread their darkness into the soul, and many tentacles of pain claw their way into one's insides...and one can just observe the picture - detached and alone- helpless in one's citadel..

Plunging happily into the stream of life, entering willingly with eyes open into the deepest relationships, using our strengths to their fullest.. we wade through the waters.. until the world, as one has imagined and clawed the way for, seems to fall apart..with people walking paths of their choices, to their self-made horizons.. It is then, that we find God, in the very extremity of the battle of life.

Looking around, at so many of the people I have known over the years- I am deeply saddened to see this phenomenon spreading into hearts and minds- turning homes into concrete houses, brightness into shadows.

Values, commitments, vows, promises, duties and caring- all seem to dissolve in a storm of self-fulfillment, needs, choices, complacency and the "I" factor. It is "I" that is most important..."I" that overshadows all the "we's" and "us's" of a lifetime.

It is at times like this, that one needs somebody of one's own- to share the agonizing doubts wafting across the short-circuited synapses of the mind, to give unconditional love, to extend that helping hand so vital for surviving through phases of insanity.
The person who would fall in the slot of "Tu hai to I'll be alright"!

What is YOUR "breaking point" then?